Is good bad or is bad good?

Ever wish there was something you could change that you know you have no power to control? Like bringing someone back that you really miss, winning the lottery, or your past? Yea, I feel like that too. Especially right now, I wish for all three. I really want my grandpa back, it’s been two years since he left this world, but the pain still feels as fresh as if it happened just yesterday. I wish for the lottery because my mom could really use the money; between my dead-beat dad not paying child support, my brother graduating, the other with autism, and me in college, there just isn’t enough to go around. And my past, that’s just a long winding dark path of horrible and traumatizing memories that I wish I could just erase and never think about it again. They say the past is there to help build character and make a person stronger, but my past is just a never ending nightmare that bleeds into the days of the present and future. It’s kinda funny how when things around you start to be going good that all the bad things come to light and no matter how happy the time you can’t help but feel down. My brother is graduating in a few days and my grandparents from Hawaii are coming into town and a very good friend comes back into your life and all you can think about is the sad and discomforting thoughts swirling around in your head, when you should be focusing on the positive things around you. Makes me wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me and my mental state…

Angry Rant of an Elder Sister

You speak such idiocy to such an impressionable mind, he knows nothing about what you're spewing but he's a sponge and soaks up every last word. He then repeats it and pesters on about it a dozen times in just thirty minutes, imagine how many times in one day. All you can do is sit back and watch? You're his mother for peat sake!  Stop your idiotic boyfriend from poisoning your son's mind. I'm so sick and tired of you getting angry with me when I get annoyed with you because you can't help your own son. And when I try to re-shape his mind, to try to help him, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like to hear the words no, or not right now. He throws a tantrum and then you get angry with me for 'antagonizing him'. Seriously?! Really?! Open your eyes you blind woman. I'm trying to help him, yes I get he's got Autism and doesn't understand what he says or does. You're supposed to coach him, teach him, help him to be better, to try. Not just sit there and let his mind become demented due to some moron's lack of intelligence. Put on your big girl panties, you parenting pants and actually parent around here. I'm so sick of doing it and then getting yelled at for caring. Will I stop? Can I quit? Of course not! If I did, I could only imagine what would happen. To him, to my other brother. I'm only nineteen and yet I have better parenting skills and you have three kids! How on God's green earth does that work?! Please explain that to me.

Hopeful Spring

Laying on the fresh green grass of early Spring, soaking up the sun. Her white dress with yellow flowers sprawled beneath her, blowing slightly in the warm breeze. The smell of flowers blooming around her, all was at peace. The sounds of the birds chirping and the bees buzzing around, a calm and beautiful soundtrack to the new days of Spring. White fluffy clouds dancing in the bright blue sky, not having a care in the world about anything. It was truly a blissful day, one that she hoped would last a lifetime. 

Tears of Rain

The wind blew hard and the rain came down fast. Memories from that night just made her want to go back to the way things were. She missed him so much even the sound of the rain made her heart ache. All she wanted to do was cry, but the tears just wouldn't come. She stood there in the wind and rain, letting it beat down and wash her clean. Wanting to cling to his memory, but knowing it would be better on her if she let it go with the rain. That's when she realized, she was crying. The rain was her tears.

Midnight Black

Standing in the stillness of midnight, no light other than the moon glowing above. Her skirt billowing in the slight wind around her ankles. Her hair caught in the breeze, blowing the smell of her strawberry shampoo into the dark of the night. She notices a cat across the way. The wind picks up and the cat slowly approaches her. Not sure how to react, she stands there watching the cat. Her skirt and hair continue to be carried on the increasing wind. She looks to the moon and when she looks back the cat is gone, no where to be seen. She looks again to the moon and then everything goes black. No more moon, no more wind, no more strawberries. Just a blank numb nothingness washes over her.

My Fault

It's my fault for letting myself think  things would actually work out. I hate myself for feeling what I do for someone who can't even give me a second thought. The amount of times I tried and you just didn't care. I feel so stupid because I should have known it was never anything but just some joke to you. I hate you, but I hate me more for being such a pathetic mess. I wish I could forget you, forget my feelings for you, forget everything about you. I hate feeling like such a pathetic heap of nothing.

Searching

Lost in my thoughts 

Bound by the darkness

Looking for the light

Searching endlessly 

When I think I've found an exist it's just another door that leads to the same place I've always been

Will I ever escape from me and find happiness?