Long time no talk

So, it's been a while since I had anything to say. Things have gotten real crazy. I lost my job, my car died, my brother is having a baby. Never a dull moment lately. My boyfriend is amazing and is trying to help in any way he can, but I'm slowly loosing my mind with all this time I've got and no car. School is still going, I've even got so much time I'm done days before it's due. That's really not a complaint, but it does contribute to all the time I've got left over to do nothing. I apply to several jobs a day and so far nothing has come back. I'm loosing my mind and I tend to take it out on those around me verbally. I don't mean to, I'm just literally going crazy. So, that's my little rant for today. A little catch-up on the crazy that is my so-called life. Until next time, see ya.

Dreams

You still haunt my dreams and raid my heart. When will I be free of you? I don't want to hurt anymore. 

Broken

Finding out I really never did mean anything to you, that I was a fool for caring so much. You were able to just throw me aside like yesterday's garbage. This unbearable weight on my chest is suffocating. Thanks so much for breaking me. 

Introducing me

Hi, my name is Amber. I’m not perfect, I have a lot of flaws and that’s okay. They make me who I am. I like to think I’m funny and smart, others may have different opinions. I’m not your average “beauty”, I am though average height. I’m a helpless romantic who is in love with the idea of love. It’s hard for me to accept love considering I don’t love who I am. Before any one gets the bright idea to comment the lame “You’re perfect the way you are,” stuff, don’t. If I don’t like who I am what you say isn’t going to make that magically disappear, though I do wish it could. I’m not doing this for any kind of attention, I just want you to know who I am. I’m slowly rediscovering who I am and want you to do it with me. I love my friends and family and will go to the ends of the world for them. I’m not a small girl and I have serious self-confidence issues. I try to hide this by sticking my nose so far into my books that I can’t see the world. Like, if I can’t see you, then you can’t see me. I can count my friends on one hand and I talk to my dog like he can actually talk back to me. Sometimes, I’ll talk for him. I feel really crazy when I do it too, reminds me of Kristoff and Sven from Frozen. I’m a total crack nut; yup, crazy with a capital C.  So, that’s me so far. I’m still learning and growing (and trying to shrink too), but hey, no one is perfect right? :) 

Is good bad or is bad good?

Ever wish there was something you could change that you know you have no power to control? Like bringing someone back that you really miss, winning the lottery, or your past? Yea, I feel like that too. Especially right now, I wish for all three. I really want my grandpa back, it’s been two years since he left this world, but the pain still feels as fresh as if it happened just yesterday. I wish for the lottery because my mom could really use the money; between my dead-beat dad not paying child support, my brother graduating, the other with autism, and me in college, there just isn’t enough to go around. And my past, that’s just a long winding dark path of horrible and traumatizing memories that I wish I could just erase and never think about it again. They say the past is there to help build character and make a person stronger, but my past is just a never ending nightmare that bleeds into the days of the present and future. It’s kinda funny how when things around you start to be going good that all the bad things come to light and no matter how happy the time you can’t help but feel down. My brother is graduating in a few days and my grandparents from Hawaii are coming into town and a very good friend comes back into your life and all you can think about is the sad and discomforting thoughts swirling around in your head, when you should be focusing on the positive things around you. Makes me wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me and my mental state…

Angry Rant of an Elder Sister

You speak such idiocy to such an impressionable mind, he knows nothing about what you're spewing but he's a sponge and soaks up every last word. He then repeats it and pesters on about it a dozen times in just thirty minutes, imagine how many times in one day. All you can do is sit back and watch? You're his mother for peat sake!  Stop your idiotic boyfriend from poisoning your son's mind. I'm so sick and tired of you getting angry with me when I get annoyed with you because you can't help your own son. And when I try to re-shape his mind, to try to help him, he doesn't like it. He doesn't like to hear the words no, or not right now. He throws a tantrum and then you get angry with me for 'antagonizing him'. Seriously?! Really?! Open your eyes you blind woman. I'm trying to help him, yes I get he's got Autism and doesn't understand what he says or does. You're supposed to coach him, teach him, help him to be better, to try. Not just sit there and let his mind become demented due to some moron's lack of intelligence. Put on your big girl panties, you parenting pants and actually parent around here. I'm so sick of doing it and then getting yelled at for caring. Will I stop? Can I quit? Of course not! If I did, I could only imagine what would happen. To him, to my other brother. I'm only nineteen and yet I have better parenting skills and you have three kids! How on God's green earth does that work?! Please explain that to me.

Hopeful Spring

Laying on the fresh green grass of early Spring, soaking up the sun. Her white dress with yellow flowers sprawled beneath her, blowing slightly in the warm breeze. The smell of flowers blooming around her, all was at peace. The sounds of the birds chirping and the bees buzzing around, a calm and beautiful soundtrack to the new days of Spring. White fluffy clouds dancing in the bright blue sky, not having a care in the world about anything. It was truly a blissful day, one that she hoped would last a lifetime.